15 September 2010


To impair the strength of body
To make weak or feeble

You never know how good things are
Until they become drastically worse
Until your world turns upside-down

Things weren't perfect before
Not close to perfect
But you fight anyway
Fight with every fiber of your being
To return to that "normal" state
That place you have grown so accustom to
The state that you now realize
Was closer to perfect
Than you once thought
Than whatever it is you are feeling now

It is times of complete devastation
That I call on a higher power
That I pray and ask God to intervene
Everything becomes so painfully apparent
Things become too real
I am weak and cannot do it alone

He is an actual being
He hears us, loves us
But sometimes...
I can't help but wonder if
the prayers I offer up
get tangled and lost
within other prayers that have
been sent heavenward
If my words evaporate before they
reach His ear
Sometimes I wish my prayers could be
Heard as if I were screaming them through a megaphone
Sometimes life is confusing
When there seems to be one simple, clear solution to a problem
But for some reason I can't have it--
The solution that I have
fought for / worked for / Prayed for

I feel I am suffocating
Misery is slowly enveloping my body
She has made a home here
I am drowning in her waters
She breathes my breath
Each day, she sucks a little more life from me
And while she is playing house in my body
I lay awake--wide eyed
Trying to figure out where
I can find that megaphone
Scared that my "normal" state is being rewritten
and that I won't become the
Person I am supposed to be
Worried that my life will forever be
something ugly
something painful
something debilitating


Kaley and Jeremy said...

So sorry that you don't feel well. Life can totally suck like that sometimes.

Hopefully things will get better soon-without surgery! But in my eyes? If you have to have surgery, what that means to me is time off work! I'm lookin' into surgery myself...

The Davis' said...

This post confuses me. I wish that you and I talked more so I could understand what is going on. But I hope you know I love you and hope that whatever you are going through, gets better. I would love to see you!

Two Ladies and No Baby said...

Been there girl. Sometimes I still am there. Keep fighting, things will get better, they have to.

KellieKae said...

You are a beautiful writer but your condition is far from beautiful. I love you and yes Shanae, He does hear every single one of your pleas!!!

Spencer & Cara said...

I love you, and I agree with kellie, you are a BEA-UTIFUL writer. Hang in there Shae, I sure wish I was there to give you a hug... I say we start a cure Ms. Ninja fund... yup. Thats the plan. Oh and coming home for Christmas??? Not looking so good.... maybe you could put those wonderful writing skills to use... aka email me hoe! hahahaha love love love you. And miss you like crazy.